LONDON – One of the nurses present during the royal birth today was removed from the delivery room and detained by members of the Royal Security team. Nurse Lydia Chapman was apprehended after reportedly stealing the severed umbilical cord and wearing it on her head, as if it were a crown, while parading around the maternity ward.

Upon absconding with the placental remnants and masquerading around the delivery room, down various hallways, and into the nursery, Chapman was physically subdued by Royal Security guards. As she was brought to the ground, the cord flew off Chapman’s head, landing on the ground next to the scrum of guards. One of the guards, Trevor Parring, alertly scooped up what’s now being called “the umbilical crown” and washed it off in the nearest sink.

“The five-second rule applies, right?” joked Parring, trying to diffuse the awkwardness. “Obviously, the crown shouldn’t have been on the floor and needed to be sterilized. I just did what I could to clean it up before the doctors could come in and properly tend to it.”

Chapman was placed in handcuffs and escorted out the back door, where Royal Security transported her in an SUV to nearby Maudsley Hospital, which specializes in psychiatric treatment.

“Reporters got wind of what had happened and were desperate to snap a photograph of Ms. Chapman,” said Royal Security Chief James Ellerton. “Thankfully, we snuck her out a private exit and away from the scene before any journos could tail the vehicle. It’s really a credit to our team, making the extraction and transporting Ms. Chapman south of the Thames before the media knew what they were looking for,”

The nurse was immediately placed on administrative leave by St. Mary’s Hospital and will remain so until her psychiatric evaluation at Maudsley is complete. There is no timetable for her return to St. Mary’s.

When asked about her colleague’s behavior, one St. Mary’s nurse offered enlightening remarks. “Lydia was born on the day of Princess Diana and Prince Charles’s wedding, and it’s something she mentioned from time to time. She was such an admirer of Diana’s,” said obstetrics nurse Jillian Lancer. “She viewed this as her big chance to finally have some sort of connection to Diana, to ensure that their lives would somehow intersect, no matter the cost.”

Thankfully, the rest of the delivery team was able to properly sterilize the umbilical crown and preserve its biological value. Doctor Paul Murnick is being lauded for his vigilance amidst the chaos.

“The cord blood is just teeming with valuable stem cells, and can be vital in fighting future diseases,” said Murnick. “Even though inbreeding amongst the royals ceased several centuries ago, you never know when physical or developmental ailments could strike and necessitate a medical procedure using cord cells. It’s really remarkable and that’s why it was so crucial to save the cord.”

Royal boosters are already gathering outside Buckingham Palace wearing makeshift umbilical crowns in shows of support. As more details emerge, the legend of “the umbilical crown” will continue to grow right alongside its subject.

 

 

 

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