A little late this week, I know. I really should do my best to get these rankings up by Tuesday at the latest, given that the shows all air Sunday night. Due to an inability to catch “Shameless” until last night, however, they had to wait until today.

I was pretty surprised with the way the rankings turned out this week, based on the amount of sex, and how explicit said sex is, in each program. I just assumed “Californication” would coast to the top spot every week, or at the very least reside in second place. But for this week, David Duchovny’s Hank Moody and friends register the 3rd spot. On with the rankings…

3. Californication

As I just mentioned, it was a surprise to not see a little more action this week in “Californication.” At the outset, it seemed like this week’s episode was going to be full of sex. As Hand lays under an erotic animal skin blanket, we learn that Kali is pleasuring him. However, Hank wakes up from his dream pretty quickly and realizes that not only is he not intimate with Kali, but that she is currently with Samurai Apocalypse, the rap superstar who’s courting Hank to write a movie about him. Even more unfortunately for Hank, he seems to have genuine feelings for Kali, which he pours out to her, saying that he can’t stop thinking about their high school make out session on the plane a week earlier. Alas, the only sex going on between Hank and Kali is in Hank’s sick and twisted head. Of course, the season is young.

Unusually tame behavior from Hank leads us to believe that maybe Charlie ran wild this week. That was not the case…exactly. First, Runkle Jr., all of maybe four years old, had to be disciplined in school after exposing himself to a girl in class. I guess, as Marcy loves to point out, he’s his father’s son. We obviously weren’t subjected to the footage of little Runkle “whipping it out,” and that’s a good thing. But it wouldn’t be long before a different Runkle would expose himself. In trying to patch things up and smooth over the traumatic imagery that has stuck with the little girl his son visually defiled, Charlie went over to see the girl and discuss things with her mother, Alison. A typical psychosexual LA housewife, Alison builds the tension and prods Charlie to see if he’s as big a pervert as his offspring. Maybe Charlie walks around with an air of sick-in-the-headedness, because Alison had a sixth (sick?) sense and knew how far she could push Charlie. She asks if he’s as disgusting as his son, and to show her exactly how sick he is. She sort of challenges him to match his son’s actions. A man of little restraint, it’s not long before Charlie drops his pants and begins masturbating in the kitchen, giving Alison somewhat of a show. Of course, the babysitter walks in on this activity, leaving Charlie in a compromising position. Upon hearing that Alison is a nutjob and impossible to work for, Charlie decides to hire the beaten-down babysitter to watch Runkle junior. Now maybe she can catch both Runkle men in the act.

2. House of Lies

It might not have the top spot, but “House of Lies” certainly had the most graphic individual sex scene this week. As Marty tries closing a deal at a restaurant midday, he spots his ex-wife outside. Moments later, they are in the bathroom having wild sex on the sink. Things are starting to get violent, and it looks like she may not be enjoying it. That’s the thing about the Kaan’s, though: they’re enjoying it most when it looks they’re not enjoying it. It gets uncomfortable for a second, and really borders on rape. For a second, I almost had to look away because it really did resemble nonconsensual sex, and was just not good. Then, as Marty is choking Monica, she utters the safe word, “Amsterdam,” signifying that he should stop. He holds on for a second longer, as they finish and crash to the floor, mercilessly ending their violent bathroom tryst. Yes, the show needs Monica because of her presence at the #1 consulting firm, ranked just above Marty’s. But they also apparently need her in the show to be there to quench Marty’s sexual appetite, or, more importantly, the sexual appetites of the viewers.

There was only real one other sexual encounter during the show, and it was the most endearing one of the night. While last week’s lesbian scene in the pilot was the most passionate, this week’s airport scene involving Doug and Cat Deeley was the most heartfelt. Well, as heartfelt as an over the pants crotch rubbing can get. After fawning over Cat Deeley upon seeing her, Doug is even more flustered when she sits across from him while waiting for her flight. He starts talking to her, but clumsily spills his coffee in his lap. Finding him to be a nice, genuine guy, she helps him wipe the coffee off his pants. She really scrubs pretty hard, making sure it’s all wiped off. Of course, this arouses Doug to no end. After talking for another couple seconds, Cat has to leave for her flight. Even with Clyde, Marty, and Jeannie telling him to help her with her bags, he still manages to screw it up. He mumbles incoherently and can’t even ask for her phone number, never mind help her with her bags. Her crotch rubbing clearly had an effect on him, and when he refuses to even get up and wish her well, we realize his problem: an unstoppable erection. Doug horrifyingly watches Cat walk away while taking immediate abuse from his team. As they berate him, Doug claims to have just ejaculated, sending the rest of the gang into hysterics. Whether or not he actually did finish, it was a riotous scene, and showed the sensitive side of Doug that is clearly there. What’s more, Cat Deeley seemed legitimately interested in him, and was very sweet to him during their interaction. I feel bad for Doug, because he may have had a genuine shot with Cat had he not had the biological reaction of a 13-year old. Maybe she’ll appear later in the series. If not, she’ll always live here, as part of the most touching (no pun intended) sex scene this week on Showtime.

1. Shameless

Shameless just has sex going on in all different generations. Literally, from birth to death, there was male arousal this week. We begin with Liam Gallagher, the year old baby of the Gallagher clan. No, he wasn’t involved in any sexual experiences. However, he was fondling his developing male organ for the bulk of the episode, so much so that it became a story line as Debbie needed to move his bed out of her room, not being able to live with a boy who had a hand in his pants all day.

Moving up, generationally, we get to Ian, who’s boy toy Mickey is being released from jail. While Mickey refuses to publicly display any affection for Ian, he privately wants nothing more than sex with Ian. They have sex in the dugout of a baseball field, as Mickey slugs beer, does pushups, and rags on Ian for trying to get into West Point. Beyond his abrasive behavior, Mickey’s prison-starved sexual appetite is insatiable, as he jokingly pressures Ian to have sex with him again shortly after they finish doing it once. Ian obliges, and the pair seems to enjoy each other’s company, even though Mickey is a hot head. Now that they are working together and somehow committed to each other sexually, we should be seeing more on the Mickey/Ian storyline in the future.

A year or two older than Ian, we have Lip. Having broken Karen’s not-so-iron will, he’s been having sex with her regularly, usually after her partner in abstinence, Jody, leaves for the night. We see them have sex, and when it comes to Lip and Karen, it’s nothing we haven’t seen before. Karen is a legitimate sex addict, and loves doing it. Lip is a horny 19-year old, and while he may not be as promiscuous as Karen, he has a thing for her that goes beyond sex. This is evidenced in his insistence on talking during intercourse, badgering Karen about Jody and how she feels about him. His worries that Karen will choose Jody over him, and that soon enough they’ll be having sex and going out, are really bothering him, so much that he’s basically ruining the sex to try and alleviate his fears. Karen won’t hear it though, and is just concerned with the sex. It’s unclear whether this is her brushing off questions about Jody because she knows there is a conflict brewing, or if she’s just trying to enjoy her favorite pastime. Regardless, Lip is worried that this will be one of the final times they are intimate together, and as we see from his espionage trips outside the Jackson house, he may be on to something.

Keeping the Gallagher men theme going was Frank, who was romancing Dottie, otherwise known as “Butterface.” There’s always a scheme with Frank, and this one is about somehow getting Dottie’s pension money, as she is near death because of heart disease. Dottie received her nickname because her body is desirable, but her face is unattractive. Frank sort of sets up shop with her, doing favors for her, being her handyman, and seemingly, being a friend. In terms of nudity, the Frank-Dottie relationship peaks when Frank peeps through a keyhole and sees Dottie changing. We see Dottie’s body, and we can tell that before disease struck, she was probably in great shape with a healthy body. Later that night, Frank makes a move on Dottie, who nearly succumbs. Because of her condition, however, she would literally drop dead if she were to have sex. The seduction is what we’re discussing, though. It had been a few days in the making, and Dottie knew it was coming. Her and Frank have been friends for a long time, but were never intimate with each other. Frank’s motive appears to be two-pronged: he’s after her pension money, and he’s after someone he never slept with before. Dottie appears vulnerable here. Frank’s nice gestures over the course of the week left a good impression on her, to the point where she wants very badly to give in to Frank’s advances. In addition to Frank’s kindness, Dottie probably hasn’t been able to have sex in awhile, and by her own admission, it’s the only thing she’s good at. Naturally, she wants to give in. Alas, she does not, knowing better that her health is the most important thing, and minutes later, we see that the two of them, instead of fornicating, relaxed on the couch, watched TV, and enjoyed each other’s company.

Now, we will briefly touch on the geriatric sex from Sunday night. Harry and Ginger are two characters we met, living at a nursing home where Veronica volunteers. As Veronica is rounding up the troops for “excursion day,” she accidentally walks in on Ginger and Harry performing some sort of sexual act. It’s nothing overly noteworthy, but it’s meaningful that two elderly people on death’s door are still enjoying what libido they have left. I remember an old episode of “Scrubs” where nursing home sex is leading to a rash of STD’s amongst octogenarians, and one of the women talks about how sex gives them vitality, a reason to keep chugging along. This scene was reminiscent of that, because it did seem like these people used sex as a means to keep their lives fulfilling and happening. It’s made all the more meaningful when Harry drops dead later that day once they all returned from the excursions. It was kind of nice knowing that he relaxed, let loose, and enjoyed himself before he died. And Ginger seemed delighted as well, which was nice. And with that, the episode was over.

That’s Week 2 of the “Libido List,” with nary a drop off in activity from our impressive first week. Until next week.

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